Where Does Your Allegiance Lie?

"We are not losing the battle. The gates of Hell will not prevail against the Lord's building of His Body, and His kingdom will come, as millions have prayed, when He, the King, returns here to set it up. [see Acts1:6-7, Revelation 11:15]" George, WorthyNews

Last night was a rough night. I must admit my heart quakes as the prospect of four more years under the leadership of a man who clearly is making very poor decisions for our country, and that's the best case senario. But in the midst of many tears, I asked myself several hard questions, the answers to which I'm still wrestling and coming to grips with.

Do I believe in my country or in God?

Do I believe what God says in His Word or what I can see with my human eyes?

In what do I place my trust? Where do I lean?

What is the most valuable thing in my life? How would I respond if that was taken away? Can it be taken away?

Am I a citizen of the United States of America or of Heaven?

Bottom Line:

Where is my allegiance?

You see, I was raised in a military family. No, neither of my parents were in the military, but almost every male on my dad's side of the family for the last three generations has been and there are more going further back, I'm just not as framiliar with them. I'm proud of those men and what they do. I'm proud of that part of my heritage. I was raised to love and respect and serve this country. I seriously, very seriously, considered the military myself.

Allegiance is a very important concept to me. But the foundational question I've been running up against in the last several months is what or who deserves my allegiance? What will "I pledge my allegiance" to? A flag, a democratic ideal, a country which is quickly crumbling and showing no signs of stopping, or to a God who has stood firm and unchangable throughout time and will continue to do so?

This election and the months leading up to it, as well as other events in my own life, are forcing me to take a deep look into my heart and ask some very complicated, emotional, and gut wrentching questions... just ask my husband, who has had to hold and comfort me through several teary evenings (being pregant doesn't help either, since I feel like I'm close to tears most of the time anyway).

I don't think I'm done with the process either. I am confident where I will end up, safe and secure in the arms of my Savior and God, relying on His strength, comfort, and faithfulness to get me through. Looking and hoping for His return, waiting for my heavenly Bridegroom to return for me, looking forward to the day when I will worship Him face-to-face as well as in spirit and truth. Until that day, I will fight - fight my flesh, fight the good fight He has set before me, seek to honor and glorify Him with my words, thoughts, actions, and deepest desires, and fall on His grace and mercy when I fall short of that goal.

I am so thankful that it is not I who live, but Christ who lives in me.

I am a new creation, formed in His image, made in His likeness, serving Him now and into eternity as His handmaiden and bondservent (I love those words!).

Am I still learning how to be those things? Yes! Completely! Totally! I know I am not finished, but I know that He who started a good work in me is faithful and will bring it to completion on that bright and glorious day when I see Him face-to-face.

Oh, how I long for that day! May I be ready and watching for the return of my Lord!

I pray on that day I will hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant!"

But this I know with all my heart, those words themselves will be the greatest evidence of His grace and mercy in my life.

I'll finish with this, something that has been a great encouragement to me in the last several weeks as I wrestle through emotions, misconceptions, fear, and doubt.

"He will be the sure foundation for your times, a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge; the fear of the Lord is the key to this treasure."

Isaiah 33:6

Why do I always feel like writing when I'm pensive and a little blue? Maybe because it helps me sort out my feelings and know up from down.

I actually have work to do today, but I don't want to do it. I've only been a work for an hour, but already I just want to go home and be in my husband's arms. It's such a safe comforting place, and right now I need a safe place. There's so much going on, so many changes happening and coming. It's hard not knowing how different aspects of our lives are going to work out, especially when we're trying to plan for a new life too. It seems like so much responsibility, and some days, today, it seems so overwhelming and impossible. There's a part of me that so wishes we had all our ducks in a row, or at least a plan to get them there, and we're really ready for this.

But are we ever really ready for what life and God send our way? Are we ever really prepared for the next step when it gets here? I know this little boy is going to change everything. I know there are people who would look at us and say we're not being responsible, and yes, there are days I wish we were better prepared. But the Bible says that children are a blessing from the Lord, and we have asked the Lord to bless and build our house, who are we to question if He chooses to answer that prayer a little differently than we would have thought. The Lord promised us before we were even married, "If you build My House, I will build yours." Who are we, or anyone else, to question if He fulfills His promise to build our house in the traditional, Biblical sense instead of the American Christian church way of thinking, if He chooses to expand our influence through the children He give us instead of through the things and possessions He gives? Doesn't He see the sparrow fall? Don't I believe the promise that the children of the righteous will never go hungry or beg for bread?

Lord, I trust You! I choose to place my trust and faith completely in You! You have never failed me, never left me alone, I can see your plan working itself out in the way the strands of my life have woven together. You have given me a good job, a beautiful place to live, and a wonderful husband who is so much more than I deserve. I know that all good things come from Your hand and that You will continue to provide in ways far beyond my imagination. Shore up my faith where it is weak, and fill me with new faith. Faith that honors and glorifies You as the great, majestic, and all-powerful God You are. I live to bring glory and honor to Your name. That is the very reason I was created. Help me to do that with all of my heart, soul, and strength, to pour myself into You, as You have poured Yourself into me.

Does it really matter if I miss a Sunday of church?

Nate and I have been talking/discussing/disagreeing lately about missing/skipping church on Sunday mornings. This morning a question popped into my head I really hadn't considered until now, do I have the correct perspective on attending church services? Has my thinking somehow gotten out of sink with what the Bible says?

I'm not sure why these questions didn't occur to me before, but honestly they just didn't. As I examine my thoughts, here's what I find:

I like going to church. I look forward to being with God's people, to visiting and catching up on the week with friends, to worshipping the Lord together, to learning and being challenged, to sifting through thoughts on the Bible, to loving and challenging others. I miss it when I'm not there. It's a needed time to reset, rebalance, and refocus my mind, heart, spirit, and life.

But I don't consider it an obligation. I don't think of it as something I have to do or somewhere I must be. It is more like any other standing appointment in my schedule - work, meal times, school (when I was in classes) - a responsibility and commitment, but one that can be shifted, postponed, or missed if it becomes necessary and occasionally because of desire. Now, it is different if there is some specific commitment on a Sunday morning, then it is not optional to be there, unless you're very, very sick or find someone else equally able to fill your place. Is this an unBiblical perspective?

Is church, the gathering of believers, so different from other gatherings of people? Other groups we are a part of? Or is it more like a Body, where if a finger didn't show up one day, it would be seriously missed? Is it more like a building, where to remove one or two of the stones may, at very least, let in a cold breeze and some rain and, depending on the placement of those stones, could cause serious structural issues? Is there a difference between permanently removing them and temporarily doing so?

I don't like much of what I've written here. I'm not sure I'm going to like the answers I come to. Sometimes I don't like being so honest and objective. Lord, if you need to change my heart and understanding on these things, then please do so. Right now, I want to forget I've ever written this and just go on... but I know I can't. If for no other reason than the continued tension it is causing with Nate. Father, please help me to understand your Word and you Way.

Perhaps the biggest question I must answer is, am I really critical to the Body of Christ? Does my presence, or lack thereof, really make a difference?

Starting

I love September.

It's a perfect day outside.
The sun is shining,
about 70 degrees,
I can just be see the tops of the trees swaying in the breeze through the window across the office.

How I wish I was outside!

I wish I was walking along the river with Nate...
that would be wonderful.

Instead I'm inside,
sitting at my desk
with nothing particular to do,

watching the clock,
waiting for 4:30,
and wishing it was Friday...

Wishing we didn't have anything to do this weekend so we could just be outside.

Maybe Saturday afternoon we can escape for a while. I long to escape into the world of trees and wind and sunshine and quiet outside noises, away from buzzing florecent lights and humming computers, from ringing phones and dinging email, and from the slow monotiny of days spent inside with nothing much to do.

September was meant to be spent outside.

Oh to be a child again, living on 85th St and be able to just disappear outside, into the grass and the breeze and the sun.

I love September with it's perfect sunny days. The precious stretching on of summer. I love the first days of rain too, before the world turns gray and sleeping for winter weather. In September, somehow the rain seems more alive, brighter, it doesn't leave the world gray and soden the way rain in February and March does.

I wish September wasn't so short and I wasn't so old.